*Is that Wingdings?* (Zalgo text) *Oh hell no, this is copyrighted, you can’t do this!* *2008 CALLED, IT WANTS ITS SHITTY OLD MEME BACK* *AND I WANT BACK THE 10 SECONDS I SPENT WATCHING THIS* *You mean you’re not gonna review the race? Good thinking, it’s a waste of time, anyway* 2005, a jolly good season with probably the best rule in the history of the sport: no tyre changes! That’s right, on pitstops, drivers could only refuel, and the tyres were the same from the start to finish. *So basically a reverse 2010 onwards?* No way, that could go wrong, right? *Haha, I see what you did there* Most people know the story behind this Grand Prix, but I’m gonna tell it anyway. During practice for the United States Grand Prix, Ralf Schumacher crashed out on the same turn he did in the previous year. It took him out of the race, and sparked worries about whether the Michelin tyres would be able to sustain the load from the banked turn 13 or not. The situation was so serious that Bernie Ecclestone flapped his arms like an ostrich, and people were actually paying attention to what Flavio Briatore was saying. It was suggested that a chicane should be placed there, and the round be ran as a non-championship race, but with only 9 out of 10 teams agreeing to that, the suggestion was shot down. Guess who said no? *#therrari* And then those same teams agreed not to race, so we ended up with what we’re about to see. *We don’t HAVE to see it* (Feel free to close the video) The starting grid was Trulli, Raikkonen, Button, Fisichella, Schumacher, Alonso, Barrichello, Sato, and the possibility of what a race this could’ve been. *YOU DON’T HAVE TO DO THIS, MATT. ALSO JENSON BUTTON… IS IN THIRD… PLACE* I’m glad they stopped making pit reporters wear overalls. Ted Kravitz looks like a free man with his sandals. Jackie Stewart’s been wearing the same clothes for the past 40 years. Even through the deepest of shits, Villeneuve still finds a reason to smile. *Maybe he was reminiscing about his Indy 500 win the decade prior* (Martin Brundle): We, er, had this back in ’94 after Senna’s death. (MB): We, the drivers, forced some chicanes in Canada, Barcelona, and um… where was the other one? (MB): Montr- Montreal and, uh, a-another circuit, I can’t remember where it was now. I think it might have been Spain. *He was trying to say Spa, I’m pretty sure* Bang-on camera control. HOLY CRAP, Horner used to have hair?! *Or, at least, better hair?* (MB): Did we need some more control on the paperwork that’s been flying about and the meetings? (MB): Could we not- bangs some heads together and just get this sorted out last night? Why are we standing on the grid? (MB): You’re- you’re asking me what’s going on, I’m asking you what’s going on! (Bernie Ecclestone): I wish I knew. That’s a… comforting thought. Why do white people always compare how white they are? *Early treatment for skin cancer, I’m guessing?* (James Allen): It might be a little bit worse than Austria in 2002 when Ferrari switched the cars on the- finish line, if y-you remember that. (Repressive laughter) A little worse, heh heh. (ominous) Nnnnothing will be worse… than that. *Not even Brazil 2008? Or even Japan 2014?* (JA): -and what’re they (the fans) gonna see? What are we all going to see? A Lars von Trier movie. All aboard the Trulli train… (miserably) choo choo… *IT’S NOW OR NEVER, YOU CAN STOP YOURSELF* And the hearts of F1 fans worldwide cried on that day. *And also on May 1st, 1994, I’m pretty sure* Except mine, because I was only 7. *So was I* (unenthused) The 2005 United States Grand Prix is go and the Ferraris race off into the distance. *YOU DIDN’T HAVE TO DO THIS, MATT* (still, if not, even more, unenthused) While the Minardis and the Jordans are… …there… *YOU COULD’VE STOPPED THIS* …making noise. *THIS ALL COULD’VE BEEN AVOIDED. YOU COULD’VE SPARED US ALL THE SHAME AND PAIN* (disappointed sigh) *That sigh tells me that this could’ve easily been prevented, but you just HAD to cover this race. Shame on you.* You still HAPPY with the great NOISE and the RACING? Do the ROSE-TINTED GLASSES FIT? *I still prefer the late 90s-early-00s* The fans of yesterday aren’t so different from the ones of today. Dale Earnhardt’s not impressed. *I think he prefers his grave* Villeneuve wears overalls the size of his ego. One noticeable thing in all this debacle is that WOW, Friesacher is SHIT! *Remind me again why the 107% rule was temporarily scrapped?* (And why was it brought back if it’s not enforced 107% of the time?) Baby ain’t got no clue. Despite all this insanity, let’s all be happy that F1 doesn’t have DEBRIS cautions. The Bridgestone Man communicates with the Earth. This man must be imagining some fresh beats (Louise Goodman): Jarno, for the first time ever, a Toyota lines up at the front of the grid… (LG): seconds later, you-you’re in the pitlane, I mean, this is just the most bizarre situation, how do you feel about it? He’s a Trulli lucky man. ♪Hallelujah, it’s raining beer♪ *Suggested: MSTF1 Hungary 2015* (LG): What kind of message does this send out to all of those fans? (JT): I think Formula One has sent the message that- they are reasonable, they’re sensible- (Matt laughs his ass off) Seeing the jackman just… stand there and… the tyres not come out is just so agonizing. *Oh please, out of this whole shitshow, THAT’S agonizing?* Doesn’t help your point to write that on a Colombian flag. *It’s like they didn’t watch the year before* Ohh, look! Some action! The day FOM focuses on backmarkers is a day where things went wrong. This is getting outta hand! There’s outrage and there’s killing other people! *Did Sage Karam throw that can?* Prime time to cross the road, Arrivabene. There’s nothing really funny to see here, it’s just… Karthikeyan being himself. Get 100% cash back on your salt and bitterness. Even without having to change tyres, Ferrari still finds a way to fuck it up. Barrichello’s in the lead! And that makes absolutely no difference except to me! How to get from the United States to Australia in 5 simple seconds. *Jesus Christ, there’s Dutch angles and now this?* Barrichello transcends the limits of existence. This image sums up Christijan Albers’ career. (MB): Bit ironic, isn’t it, that Ferrari were booed here, back in 2002 for showboat- Michael was showboating at the finish, got it slightly wrong, and Barrichello won the race. That’s a strange way to describe retribution for Austria. Road triiiiip! Not all is bad, we have a Jordan and a Minardi fighting! For something. *4th place* This isn’t a video game and that wouldn’t help at all. This is your brain on V10 engines. *Any questions?* (Southern Santa Claus): They say- the United States doesn’t like Formula 1, we put 200,000 people in the stands; makes no sense. But you came from the North Pole. *Or his place in Florida* (“Fan”): Tell Bernie Ecclestone (indiscernible)
(Other “fan”): We’re all leaving, tell Bernie Ecclestone we’re outta here! (“Fan” in green hat): (indiscernible) Europe that doesn’t play United States. That’s it. That guy would be KILLER at taking blood tests. Vamos, Rubinho, pega esse pau no cu, vai! Vai! VAI! NOO!!! (background) No! No! Noooo! *He’s Rubens Barrichello, when does he win anything?* (sad) You have to leave-a the space! *There was space, Rubens just locked up massively* I feel like I’m sitting on his lap. (Michael Schumacher): Ju- (lovely V10 roars) Just uh, reducing the RPM and making sure, uh… I don’t wanna upset the (not sure), (I can’t hear him over the V10) Back when everybody sounded like Jenson Button. Thank you, V6 engines. (JA): Well, it’s been a poor day for Formula 1, but let’s just remind ourselves of why we love this sport, let’s ride onboard with Patrick Friesacher here. (JA): Or let’s not. (LOL) Indians walk away once they realized they were cheering for Karthikeyan. *There’s always Chandhok* You’ve got mail! One apologetic press release! (MB): It’s gone quite quickly, actually, hasn’t it? I’m- (giggling) it’s amazing, it’s actually- it’s the end of the race! It’s been uh, zooming fast. Put yourself in my place and I will DARE you to say the same thing. And in the end, finally, Michael Schumacher wins with Rubens Barrichello in 2nd and… Tiago Monteiro, whoever the hell that is, in 3rd. *This was a waste of my time, your time, and everyone’s time. I hope you realize that.* (Matt sputters his mouth) *You didn’t have to sputter if you reviewed USA 2006 instead* (MB): If Michael does a victory leap on the podium I’m personally going to and punch him. (JA laughs loudly) God help if Martin Brundle wants to punch you. *At least it’s not Ayrton Senna* Somebody just could not give less of a shit. Fuck off, Tiago, nobody likes you. (JA): Formula 1 should be deeply ashamed of itself today. It lost all semblance of common sense here at Indianapolis. Pinch me. Did I really see this? (British accent) James Allen fancies himself a poet. Don’t lynch me for this, but… this race wasn’t actually as bad as I presumed. I mean, it sucked, but, it was rather fruitful. It wasn’t as short as I presumed it would be. (noise) It’s not the most requested race ever. Some people wanted me to do this one, but… now that it’s out of the way… it’s here now. So… if you wanted to ask for it, you don’t even have to. If you were asking me for it, then you can stop asking me for it. Hehe. *Lesson of the day: Don’t always accept requests from fans* (It’s the reason I keep a list of races instead of doing requests) Well anyway, thank you all very much for watching me, I will see you on the next race.