Next up on our current calendar is the United States Grand Prix, the biggest idiocracy in the world. *It’s definitely in the top 5, at the very least* (Did) things happen in practice? Yes. And in qualifying? That, too. But do we remember or care? No, we don’t. *I remember Max going fastest in FP3* The starting grid was Hamilton, Rosberg, Ricciardo, Verstappen, Raikkonen, Vettel, Hulkenberg, Bottas, Massa and Sainz. And for once, I can proudly state that there were no penalties at all on the grid. A nice refresher. *I wonder when the last time we had an uninterrupted grid was* The serenity in the eyes of a man who knows he will die from drinking foot fungi. *Well, it’d be fitting considering he IS one! Eh? Eh?*
*I’m sorry, you’re the one who makes the jokes, not me* They really stuck Lewis’ car on life support after Malaysia. *It must be drained from all the (echoed voice with Beethoven’s “Ode to Joy” playing in the background) KURBELWELLENLAGER* ♪Ground control to Major Tim♪ *Thanks for reminding me of Bowie’s death* I’m so happy to be making this reference. *You can just hear the smirk on Matt’s face* (dreamy) I know, this bromance is so beautiful, isn’t it? Martin Brundle, what the actual fuck are you doing? *He’s pumping his legs, duh* That wall REALLY puts Felipe’s height into perspective. *HE’S SO SMOL* I bet you fuckers saw this fucking cunt and immediately thought that I’d make a FUCKING joke, with a barrage of FUCKING SWEARING on this fucking episode. Well, let ME tell you motherfuckers, RIGHT FUCKING NOW, I’m not THAT fucking predictable, you stupid idiots! *If this series had a swear jar, you’d have a ticket to the Brazilian Grand Prix* Unlike MOST men on nightclubs, Martin Brundle knows when to quit. *What’s iClubs?* (Something my accent made up) Did somebody say oil? *You did* THERE’S Crofty’s weather-tracking system. *Suggested: Great Britain 2015* Ocon, no, that’s not legal in Texas. *Not yet, at least* The hometown hero, owner of the hometown shitbox. *Oh, well* (David Croft): -you’ve been blanked by better, I’m sure.
(Martin Brundle): I-I’ve been blanked by many, many people… on the grid. (Crofty tries to speak)
(MB): And in life, (cracking up) basically. (Crofty LOLs) Story of my love life. *💔* The 2016 USA Grand Prix is go and Ricciardo takes second place from Rosberg, two cars go wide, nothing else happens, the race is over. *Well, it’s over if you’re as pessimistic as Matt* Perez takes it up the rear unannounced from a professional, no less. There goes the two of you again, getting my biases all tangled up. *Biases? What about your disclaimer on lap 1 of MSTF1 Japan 2016?* What is this? Gutierrez in the points? I hope nothing bad happens that will keep him from scoring today! Oh, well. I guess today is not that day. *At least nothing bad happened* A replay explaining this situation would come VERY much in handy right now, FOM. Thaaaank you. *Ask and ye shall receive* (I don’t ask for copyright claims and yet I still get them all the time) Well, that’s one way to try and become the Flying Finn, I guess. *Hakkinen did it better at Adelaide* (Crofty): -uh, the Haas’ have been the, uh, been the butt of a lot of my bad puns, shall we say, all, uh, all season long. It surely Haasn’t been your biggest highlight this year. *DON’T TURN INTO CROFTY* You had me doubting my reality there, for a second. Next up, you’re gonna tell me it’s Berenstain, with an “a”. (MB): -find out.
(Tony Ross): Okay, so, we’re gonna play the long game, Nico. So push hard now. (Nico Rosberg): Pushing hard is not the long game. I like Rosberg’s thinking. Very sensible. *It’s that kind of thought process that wins world championships!* Let’s stop with the jokes for a second and enjoy this rare and beautiful sight. *😢Why can’t we see this more often?* (Fernando Alonso): Behind the Renaults, being lapped. What a disas- what a disaster. It could be worse; you could be running behind the Renaults! No, wait. That’s exactly what you said. *At least it’s not the Saubers* Ohh, goddammit, what a disaster. Esteban Gutierrez in a points-scoring finish, it’s like Lucy pulling the ball away from Charlie Brown. *Good grief* Oh, god fucking dammit, I can only make a joke so many times before I run it to the ground! Can you space out this stuff a little bit more, so that I don’t kill it before the end of the season? (sarcastically) Oh, no! I could not see this coming from a NAUTICAL MILE AWAY!!! *That’s possible, considering a nautical mile is just longer than a standard mile* Might as well use that as a mop. All three of them. I’m sure you know about this, Gene, but… sunglasses are supposed to go on your EYES. *Hey! He could be self-conscious about his eyebrows! Don’t judge him!* What I wouldn’t give to see that wishbone SNAP at that very moment! *Your YouTube channel, perhaps?* (Gianpiero Lambiase): Max, just make sure that we CAN complete the stint we need, okay, mate? (Max Verstappen): I’m not here to finish fourth. *What do you call last year’s result, then, huh? Oh shit! That passion! That desire! It BURNS! (background) MY SKIN IS CHARRED! THE FLOOR IS LAVA!!!! *Do you need any ice?* (Julien Simon-Chautemps): Okay, Jo, you are much faster than Kevin, (JSC): he is pacing in (1:)45.5 at the moment, and you in (1:)44.7- (Jolyon Palmer, interrupting): Yeah, I’ve known this the whole race. Really? I couldn’t tell. Nobody could. (Russian accent) Here, tovarisch, I’ll let you through. (Russian accent): No, is only funny joke, hahahaha! (Russian accent) Just kidding, you can go. *The only joke is Kvyat’s career* I’m not sure HOW you would describe that as, but I would describe it as not pretty. *The flatness of that spot resembles American breakfast pancakes* I don’t know about you, but I’m despising the fact that it’s only lap 22. *But this is getting good now!* (MB): Jolyon Palmer’s still got a chance of being in that Renault next year. If the Brands Hatch money doesn’t dry up, then (high-pitched) mayyyybeeee. *Brands Hatch is doing a lot better than I thought* Palmer is still REALLY bitter that Nasr got a seat before him. *He may get the last laugh by staying in F1 for 2017* Okay, so, I’m a Max Verstappen fan. *Me too!* I swear to God, (giggling) I’m still a Max Verstappen fan. (cracking up) But this is the funniest thing I’ve seen all season long. And I do not feel the LEAST bit sorry for laughing at it! (Matt chuckles at Max’s pitstop gaffe) You’re not here to finish 4th, huh? Well, YOU’RE NOT GONNA FINISH AT ALL! (maniacal laughter) HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! (perhaps even more insane laughter) AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA! HA…HA…HA…HA… HA! *You need to chill out* I’m starting to think that I’m not really a Max Verstappen fan anymore. *You’re a traitor* Aaaaalright, Max, enough is enough, you’re not getting back in the race, you’re done, pull over. (MV): There is something hitting the engine. The faster I drive, the harder it hits. Maybe it’s a sign that you should STOP THE FUCKING CAR! *Red Bull told him to continue* Right, let me get someone who MIGHT get the message across. *Filthy Frank, aka Papa Franku appears out of nowhere* (Filthy Frank): IT’S TIME TO STOP! (FF): IT’S TIME TO STOP, OKAY? (FF): No more! (FF): Where the fuck are your parents? *Sophie’s probably in Holland, but Jos… eh…* (FF): Who are your parents? *Jos and Sophie, duh* (FF): I’m gonna call Child Protective Services, it’s time to STOP!!! *Way to take that meme (high-pitched) SLIGHTLY out of context* (I thought that joke was that there was no context) There we go, I knew that would work. *”You shouldn’t take advice from a guy on the internet wearing a dirty shirt”* Oh, you didn’t think it was a better idea to throw that as he was drIVING ACROSS THE DAMN TRACK? *Should I stop liking Max now?* (Daniel Ricciardo): So they got a free pitstop, basically? (Simon Rennie): Yes, mate, that is correct. (DR): That’s so f***ed. With teammates like Max, who needs any sort of enemy, right? *At least his teammate isn’t Vettel anymore* (JP, pissy): Can you not help me out a little bit here? You can help yourself and let somebody better drive. *I wonder if Maldonado still had Renault’s number…* The perfect metaphor for F1’s prehistoric administration. Ferrari stopping outside the pits, oh, don’t tell me they did it again. *Again? Was there a time this happened between Australia 2015 and this race?* I’m actually really unsure of what’s going on, because I can hardly see anything, but that’s not gonna stop me from lOSING MY FUCKING MIND! *IT’S TIME TO STOP* Nigel Mansell called, he wants his black flag back. *And I want Max to finish, but we CAN’T ALWAYS GET WHAT WE WANT, CAN WE?* (DR): Keep me posted on Rosberg’s times. I’d love to catch that mof*. What is THIS? Daniel Ricciardo being likable for once? *The fuck you mean “for once”???* How come nobody told me that God was here? *That’s not Jimmie Johnson, wyd?* Fucking hell, Felipe, I don’t wanna die! *4:04 suggests otherwise* Not now, at least. Track limits? Where we’re going, we don’t need… track limits. *Enjoy your penalty points, in that case!* (Gary Gannon): They have a system problem with the blue flag, so- Don’t tell Sebastian, he’s gonna have a meltdown! *Honestly!* He jumps in so eagerly again, but this time he makes it stick. *He may be a madman, but at least he’s sensible* What a madman! I guess Fernando really is faster than- uh- oh. (background) Oh. No, no, no, what have I done? No! No! My head! No!! NOOO!!!! *He can’t retire soon enough* See this exciting battle for a meaningless position? Fuck that! Let’s watch Vettel in the pits. *Well, considering how meaningless it is, I don’t blame FOM* Valtteri, oh, Valtteri. This is a new low. *Remind me again what Chris sees in him* I just wish the cameras hadn’t switched away. Fucking track limits, how do they work? *They don’t😡* (Dave Robson): Okay, Felipe, we’ve got a front-left puncture, front-left puncture. This race is a front-left puncture! *Because you’ve been facepalming with your left hand the whole time?* A McLaren is overtaking on a straight, though. What a time to be alive, ladies and gentlemen. (Fernando Alonso): YEEHAW! Same here. *I concur* And in the end, Lewis Hamilton wins the 2016 United States Grand Prix, with Nico Rosberg finishing 2nd, and Daniel Ricciardo finishing in 3rd. And if there’s anything redeemable about this race, it’s that it was only about the 3rd worst thing America has given us this year. *You mean behind Suicide Squad and the IndyCar season?* (SR): -commentators trying to work out what a “mof*” is. (DR): It means, uh… he’s a really nice person. One of my best mates. I can confirm. I live on the internet, that’s what it means. *Go outside and enjoy the (not entirely) fresh air!* Man, what the hell? Can you not contain yourself for a single second? She’s your co-worker! I’d like to kiss the person who made those Sainz. DON’T… YOU FUCKING… DARE!!!! *Is foot fungus contagious?* (I believe it is, and it must taste awful) Aaaanyway, all’s well that ends well, right? I wonder who was Driver of the Day for the race. I’m sure it was Carlos Signs, he did very well. *See what I did there?* (SON OF BITCH) (DOTD theme plays) *The best choice for Driver of the Day, in my opinion* *I know YouTubers talk about wanting to be “close with their subscribers”, but… this is a bit much* *I can literally count your dimples* You people disappoint me more… and more… with every… passing day. It’s amazing, really. *So that amazes you, but not Mercedes’ dominance?* Thank you all very much for watching. I will see you on the next race. *Are you gonna see us like how you are right now?* *I like seeing you make cameos and all, but this is feels WAY too Big Brother-y* (You love me) (beep) (Torgo’s theme from “Manos: The Hands of Fate” plays) (beep) (Airwolf theme plays) (beep) (Musical sting accompanied by audience laughter) (Michael Palin: Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition! (beep)