Amazing 360 Guided Tour of London

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Hey, welcome to the Fizzl 360 degree tour of London! My name is Reid – I’ll be your tour guide for today. Even though I personally have never been to London… What a joke, huh?! But hey, they pay me! So, from my basement in Ridgewood, Queens – You buckled in? Alright ya big travelling goofs! Let’s go to London town… London Bridge! Actually… no, this is Tower Bridge. Black Eyed Peas’ Fergie got that wrong in her solo song… cover… photo thing. This is not London Bridge, ok? This is a bridge, in London.. Actually it is kinda confusing! There’s an absolute replica of this bridge in China, but that one’s just got a coffee shop in it. But this one – this one here – this is it. Tower Bridge. This ol’ bridge took eight years to build and was completed in 1894. Before that, people walked through a long tunnel under the Thames below us. I bet that stank down there! The walkway under the Towers used to be a haunt for prostitutes and thieves, until it was closed in 1910. It was opened back up in 1982, so I’m gonna go ahead and assume all these people are NOT prostitutes or thieves. Sorry madam. Excuse me sir. Actually, 40,000 people cross the bridge every day so if, y’know, that’s something you were gonna do, not a bad place to set up shop. Tower Bridge is a drawbridge. It opens up; it lets boats through. In 1952, the Bridge started to open with a double-decker bus halfway across. The driver, good old Albert Gunter, accelerated real fast and leapt across the 3 foot gap. He got a £10 reward for his bravery. Which… is not that much, for jumping a bus. I mean, c’mon – Sandra Bullock got plenty more for ‘Speed’. Anyways, ships always get the right of way. Bill Clinton found that out the hard way in 1997, when his motorcade was split into two by a sailing barge called Gladys. Honk honk! Out of the way, leader of the free world – I’m doing me some sailin… Alright, ready to move on? Hold on to your hats. Or fanny packs; I don’t know what kinda travellers we got here. Just down this way is the Tower of London. Calm down, sir. Don’t lose your head! Ah, see what I did there…? Behind you is the River Thames, of course. That weird pointy building is called the Shard, and to the left of it is where the Mayor of London does all his Mayor-ing. This old castle was built by William the Conqueror in 1066. I mean, I doubt he did it all on his own, he probably had a crew of dudes. It’s been an armoury, a Royal Mint, a zoo and a royal residence. Imagine living in the Tower of London! “Hey girl, wanna come back to my tower castle thing… …of London?” Its first prisoner was actually the former constable of the Tower itself, Bishop Flambard. He also become the first escapee in 1100. Wonder where ol’ Flambard is now? Guy Fawkes was brought here after he tried to blow up the Houses of Parliament in 1605. He’s why Brits let off fireworks every November 5th. Which is a thing they do that I learned just now. Anne Boleyn, big fat Henry the Eigth’s wife had a stint here as well. Which, as you might know, did not go well. So, y’know how when you think of the Tower of London, you think of heads being cut off? Well actually, only 22 executions ever happened here. The last man to be beheaded here was in 1747, after the viewing platform collapsed, killing 20 spectators. That’ll teach you to go watch beheadings, ya sickos. Ready to move on kids? Ok, you big old goofballs! Let’s storm the palace. Here we are at BuckingHAM Palace. Someone told me once that Americans put too much emphasis on the ‘ham’ part of that word, so, y’know, you could pronounce it ‘Buckingumm’. Now you’re a Londoner, real cool. This is where Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth the Second lives. And judging by the flag moving above the building, it looks like she’s at home today. Just hanging out in her 775 rooms. That includes 52 royal and guest bedrooms, 188 staff bedrooms, 92 offices, and 78 bathrooms. 78 BATHROOMS. There’s a whole lotta digesting going on there. It was built in 1705 as the townhouse for the Duke of Buckingham, who must have been seriously fancy. And of course, it’s name after him. Typical Duke. It’s been the official residence of the monarch since 1837 after George the Third paid £21,000 for it. That’s about $4.5 million, Kanye West. In case you’re interested. During World War Two, King George the Sixth and his wife Elizabeth, the current Queen’s late mommy, refused to leave the palace, which meant that the Germans – well, they understandably wanted to bomb the complete crap out of it. It actually got bombed 9 times. But the Royals said that everybody remained wonderfully calm. A sentence that probably itself reeked of gin. Oh hey, look on the other side of the palace! There is a big old gold statue over there, and that’s the Queen Victoria Memorial. It marks the death of that little grumpy queen in 1901. Not sure I’d like to look out of my bedroom window every morning and be reminded that my grandmother is dead. But hey, do you think they even look out the windows? We should wave, everyone wave. Alright my internet friends, lets go hit a cathedral. Welcome to St. Paul’s Cathedral; Sir Christopher Wren’s masterpiece. Everyone loves that big dome-y guy. Ooh look at that. You know what, you can actually go inside and get up into that dome. Which by the way it’s the second largest dome in the entire world… ..the first one being a dome that I still don’t know the name of. I don’t know a lot about domes. You can actually get up inside of that dome to a place called the Whispering Gallery. If you whisper on one side, a fellow way over on the other side – 112 feet away – can hear you. Until 1962, this was the tallest building in all of London. Now it is…. not. By like miles. Did you know Lord Horatio Nelson is buried under the Cathedral? I know! I always thought he was at the top of Nelson’s Column. But hey, what do I know? I’m just a fella in a basement in Queens. Loads of big stuff happened at St. Paul’s. In 1964, Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. delivered a sermon. In 1965, Winston Churchill’s funeral happened. In 1981, Prince Charles and Lady Diana got hitched here. In 2011, their son William married Kate. Both of them attractive people. And it’s not just all plain church-ing for St. Paul’s either. The Great Fire of London burned it up pretty rough. In World War Two it basically sat there, just showin’ German planes where to bomb. Hey bombs! Hit my big fat dome! …And oh, they did. But one bomb was retrieved before it actually went off. Otherwise, it probably would have been completely destroyed. Alright, are we all church-ed out? Let’s get political. Ooh kids, look – Big Ben! Houses of Parliament! This, my friends, is Parliament Square. Directly in front of you is the Palace of Westminster, or ‘Parliament’ a fantasy gothic palace that was built on the site of William The Conqueror’s first palace. It was built in the 1840s and has over 1100 rooms, and those rooms are now where all that British political stuff goes on. You get the idea. Big Ben is the most famous part, of course. Ben is actually the name for the huge bell inside the Tower. The Tower itself is named the ‘Elizabeth Tower’. Apparently the clock’s mechanism is regulated by adding pennies for weight. [Big Ben chimes] Ooh, how expensive! Oh, there it goes! The bell’s going off! Hi Big Ben, nice to meet you. You don’t need to shout at me. All sorts of Britishness goes on in there. And by that, I mean antiquated nonsense. You know the elevators have hooks for hanging your sword? Imagine that in your mall… In the cloakroom, there’s purple ribbon attached to every coat hanger – and that’s also for swords. Apparently, there’s one politician that still does that. Y’know, brings a sword to work with him. Like a real adult. Living in a not-fantasy. The main debating, or arguing chamber is called the House of Commons, and this is where all the regional politicians assemble to make grunting noises, call each other ‘the Right Honourable Member’, and sometimes take peaceful little naps. Monarchs aren’t actually allowed to enter this chamber. At all. In fact, it actually hasn’t happened since King Charles the First stormed in here and arrested five Members for treason. The Civil War happened right after that; it didn’t really make him popular. It was kind of a…. d*** move, you might say. You must not swear inside here, or insult another Member. Do not do it, otherwise you will “offend the dignity of Parliament”. So for sure do not say something like: [series of comedy bleeped out swear words] Let’s go look at a man on top of a big column. [dramatic war drums] Hey Horatio! How ya hanging my man? [laughs] That’s just a lil’ joke we have. We’re close. So this is Lord Horatio Nelson and this is Trafalgar Square, welcome to it. Built in Nelson’s memory. He’s a whole 196 feet and 3 inches up. Not compensating for anything, for sure. He’s decorated with four bronze panels that were actually cast from captured French guns during the Battle of Trafalgar in 1805. You know, if Hitler won World War Two he planned to relocate Nelson’s Column to Berlin. We’re actually standing on a small traffic island on the south of the Square. Have you ever heard of Charing Cross? It’s a train station; it’s just down the road. But this very spot is actually the REAL Charing Cross. And it’s from this exact place that all distances from London are calculated. So when you see a sign somewhere that says: “You are approximately 3 billion miles from London”… ..I don’t know where you are, but well this is the spot it’s talking about. It’s just the most London-y spot there is. The four famous bronze lions around the Square have been since 1868. Creator Edwin Lanseer actually worked from real lion corpses to make ’em. Y’know, like a normal guy. A guy name Thomas Milnes originally had a go at making the lions. He made them out of stone, but they weren’t good enough apparently. So he sold them and sent them up north to a village called Saltaire, where they still are today. So, there you are folks! You got to see a little bit of London. You got to hear my voice, which maybe annoyed you… I don’t know how you feel about me. (Please tip generously) I’ve been Reid, I was your tour guide. Have a pleasant day.

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