How to Get a Date in New York City – Lights Out with David Spade

Posted by


A 56-year-old single woman
in real estate made an ad looking for a date,
that will run on TVs and taxis
all over New York. Let’s take a look. I have managed to sell
billions of dollars worth of New York City real estate,
but the one thing I haven’t been able to get done
is to find a wonderful, single, divorced dad to remarry. So if you’re a gentleman
with a kind and generous soul, and you love your mother, but
you still don’t live with her, and can appreciate
a 56-year-old, fit and fabulous woman,
feel free to give me a call. -I… I mean…
-(laughter, cheering, applause) Who is her representation? I want to hire her. -She’s good, yeah.
-Yes. -Oh, she is cute.
-She should try to sell herself the same way she sells houses. -Yeah? -Like, “It’s an old
colonial fixer-upper.” Uh… -“There’s alread…”
-Oh! Oh! -“There’s…”
-She… “There’s already been
a renovation on the face. -“There’s a…” -CUOCO:No!
She’s actually really cute. -“There’s a lot of room
in the basement.” -Sheiscute. -She’s adorable.
-Yeah, she-she’s… And desperate–
the two best skills to have. -CUOCO: Uh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
-SPADE: You know… Yeah, an actor. We do that
all the time. Let her do it now. -Auditi… She’s auditioning.
-SPADE: I did an ad a long time ago
I’m sort of embarrassed about. Are you 25 and hot?
Call me. ♪ Bee-boo-bah,
boo-bee-bah-bee. ♪ (laughter) -If you’re 25 and hot?
-(applause and cheering) I don’t remember what I said. -♪ Bee-boo-bah,
boo-boo-boo-boo. ♪ -Yeah. -That’s the hook.
-Another joke you love. No, honestly, uh,
she should date an I.T. guy, because you hear how loud
that disco music was -in the background.
-Yes! Tone that down, but I think
this girl is gonna do fine, because, uh, she just posted
this update of her video. (laughter) “Thank you.” -Those are wieners. Yeah, I
know. -One of my favorite GIFs. -We got to use it.
-I use that all of the time. -Yeah, so, she’s 56.
-SPADE: Mm-hmm. -White woman, blonde…
-SPADE: Yup. …looking for a newly-divorced
single father. And I know a guy
who’s as divorced as they come. -His name is O.J. Simpson.
-CUOCO: Yeah. (laughter, groaning,
applause and cheering) Single as a shingle. He’s on Twitter.
They can do a quick… (clicking tongue)
They can meet. Other dating news– a lady in
England got married to her dog. -You heard about…
-I’m loving this. -So, uh, look at his face.
-I’m… He’s like, “Oh, my God,
I should have signed a pre-pup.” -(laughter)
-Should have signed a pup-nup. -Jim, do they have dogs
in Australia? -We do. Australian sheep dogs. I think’s is nice.
Like, can you imagine the amount of peanut butter
that’s gonna be used on their first night.
You know, like… -It’s a dirty joke. -The good
thing… The good thing about marrying a dog is,
when you (bleep) it, you do get to say,
“Do you like that, bitch?” -(laughter)
-Just got to… Fair. Fair. I would marry my dog. It’s the longest relationship
I’ve had, so, I owe it to him, -to be honest with you.
-SPADE: You have all… You like horses, too. Do you
like horses or dogs better? -I like them all equally, but..
Yes. -Okay, good. -Smart answer.
-CUOCO: Uh, right? -If you bang a horse,
you have a ride home. -Yeah. -SPADE: Aah!
-(Cuoco laughs) JEFFERIES:
True. -That’s a thinker.
-Yeah. -Yeah, but if you bang a dog…
-I like that. …you have a friend afterwards
to talk you down, so, it’s… But she did marry
man’s best friend. -CUOCO: Yes.
-So, that does, to me, sound like every country song
you’ve ever heard. -SPADE: Yeah.
-CUOCO: Yeah. ♪ My ex married my best friend
and I miss him. ♪ -Beautiful. -That’s a dog.
-And the chances are is, the dog will die before her,
so she’ll get all the money. You know. He’s on to something.
He’s on to something. -He had the top hat.
-Listen… -(applause)
-He’s obviously very wealthy. He has a top hat. Look, he’s like Mr. Peanut. -He’s, like, a distinguished
dog. -He’s very distinguished. This is… just came in. Uh,
he’s already cheating on her. CUOCO:
Oh.Oh!-With the couch.
-Ugh. -The c… couch.
-With the edge of the couch. JEFFERIES:
You know what, though? So stupid.

100 comments

  1. So basically this chick went through half of NY City’s bad boys and now that she has hit the wall, she wants a good guy to settle down with? Yea right, any guy that is that well to do will be looking for a chick half her age and much less miles on it.

  2. Bruhhhhhh so many incels in this comment section. I'm seriously question my searches and/or youtubes algorythm

  3. Bang a horse, have a ride home….hmmm.

    Dave attell’s joke from skanks for the memories cd or do I have this backwards?

    There is a possibility here that someone is potentially copying off the other.

  4. S T O P RA P E I N G. B a B I E S
    Still cool with me // got this thing /like a headache //yeah i can handle fifty //

  5. Good clip from the hairplug tribuneral. Poor Lindsay Ellis Who's made thousands of well produced videos, many discussing the negative impacts media has on feminism but yet she's famous for a 5 second Gif of her getting hit in the face with weiners Lol.

  6. I thought I was goin to learn how them there fancy pants' date in the big apple, instead I got a bunch of comedic humor and I was laughing the entire timez pleez dont stop. Take care everybody

  7. Spade, you gotta lose those 2 extra guys on the right. They add nothing to the show. Sex with animal jokes are not funny at all cause there are so many weirdos out there that do such weird stuff. You can totally handle the show yourself you don't need extra help from douche bags. Like maybe if you 2 females with 2 males it would be slightly better and balance out the douche baggery a little more. You do better stuff on your own that's for sure

  8. It's almost like ending your own bloodline to be the modern "empowered", feminist woman is a pyrrhic victory.

  9. David spade should be the only one hosting full time while having guests from podcasts. Theo von, chris delia, bobby lee, Tom segura, joey Diaz, any others?

  10. Spade comes in with too much pre-written material that he tries to shoe-horn in mid-conversation. He should take a leaf out of Conan or Letterman's book and let it flow more naturally. Separate the monologue from the conversation.

  11. A friend of mine is the smartest, most well read man I've ever met, was also one of the most devoutly Christian. He argued that gay marriage was should not be allowed because, "if you allow that behavior soon you're going to have people marrying their dogs". I always thought it was a stupid, poorly worded argument. Now? Women are marrying their dogs and 55 year old men are dressing like little girls after leaving their children. He was so right it was scary. I'm all for gay marriage, but either our institutions matter…OR they don't.

  12. i knew as soon as they said 56, they were ready to be asshole mysogynists about a single 56 year old woman, instead of realizing the reality

  13. sure cuoco is feeling like shit, knowing in a few years they will be mysogynists to her too

  14. This shit is disgusting. They should of destroyed that beastiality bullshit but instead acted like it was no big deal. Bunch of pedo mentally ill pervs. Yuck. Ridiculous

  15. MILFs are all the buzz right now. Lets face it – she'll take care of you and she's been around meaning she knows what she wants..not some millennial who you have ask 10 times just to know where she wants to eat. She's independent and she wont be clingy. That's it. I want a MILF! You can't blame me for being sick and tired of rescuing MJ.

  16. Speaking of IT guys you should fire yours, because you look like a desperate 56 year old looking for 25 and hot jiggling to loud music at the end of every clip….

  17. That Cuoco chick is a bit challenged in the knowledge department. Just the way Spade likes them. Throw some dry humor at her and listen for the whoosh. Without the blonde hair and boobs and ass, she's saying things like: "Would you prefer the value meal?"

  18. That Cuoco chick is a bit challenged in the knowledge department. Just the way Spade likes them. Throw some dry humor at her and listen for the whoosh. Without the blonde hair and boobs and ass, she's saying things like: "Would you prefer the value meal?"

  19. How to (Get)= Ge Cross is 3 Blocks up from my house and 1 block to the left on Buckner Blvd see if you can get the to send me
    Some help Genius Gemini Gennius Hoosier to the tire the world has never in reality had yet CHRISTOPHER WILLIAM HARRISON AKA BUS EPLURIBUS
    BIRTHDAY 06/05/1976 SAME DATE AS THE 555 KING JAMES FBI BIBLE DR'S BIBLE, LAYMAN'S, BIBLE THAT'S CHRIST OPHER WILLIAM HARRISON I BET MY LIFE I CAN TURN ROCKS INTO OIL
    AND I WANT TO GET BACK IN TOUCH WITH MY CHILD AND ESTRANGED FAMILY THAT'S BEEN MISSING SINCE 2005 THE SAME PLACE EVERY BODY ELSE'S MISSING FAMILY HAVE BEEN OKLAHOMA UNIVERSITY

  20. Damn, I hope this show sticks around because its much needed. Real comedy and not this predictable hokey stuff we get stuck with these days

  21. Everything but Jim Jefferies is great about this video.. Its incredible that guy still has a job let alone a career after what he got caught doing!

  22. The hot dogs were phuqing hilarious 🤣🤣…this old broken down CC riding woman, hits the wall and post desperation adds for an eligible candidate 🤣🤣
    She should have put more effort and energy and being a good partner to begin with and maybe she wouldn't have to advertise….
    Thanks for pointing out her utter hypocrisy in a hilarious manner!!

  23. Only women who've had kids are "roomy" . . .if you're older, but never had kids, there's not much difference. Just wanted to clarify to the idiots out there who know nothing about female anatomy. Also, our balls don't sag to our knees, like these dudes 🤢

  24. I wonder how much the fear of being remembered on the internet primarily as the hot dog gif person contributed to Lindsay Ellis starting to take her youtube career more seriously.

  25. Jim was a bit harsh on that woman and her looks. She was rather beautiful for a 56 year old. I wouldn’t do an ad like that being so successful due to guys looking for sugar mamas but good on her for looking for love and being brave enough at that age. Caley and David got it right.

  26. Instead of saying words that beat up the second consciousness of your phases. Say. Times. Instead of 56 blah. Say a 56 times birth yourself. I’m 23 times myself. That’s one. Times 1. Technically I’m one. Just bigger. Starting to replicate comedy cells. Few.

  27. A lazy platform for Spade to creep on blondes who are going through the off-air gitters trying to get any screen time… better put Norm in more than one episode you dick tucked shimpy queef

  28. ooh, I see Steve Byrne in this episode.. Kaley Cuoco (post-Big Bang Theory era). I like that Aussie – Jim Jeffries' humor too.

  29. David's throws off to Jim with ''do they have _ _ _ in Australia?'' and Jim's stupid answers are a great way to keep Jim reined in

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *