Lying to Your Family About What New York City Is Like – Sonia Denis – Stand-Up Featuring

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– I’m in L.A but before this
I was living in New York. Yeah, lots of New Yorkers here. He lives in
Manhattan, I can tell. Kill him, no. In New York, I feel like when
I first move to New York, my family was so
impressed they were like, “Oh my God, how do you
like the big apple? Are you taking a
bite out of it?” And I was like, “I love it!”
(laughing) But I really hated it
for a long time, so long. Just as like teenagers, rats,
my biggest fears everywhere. Everywhere.
(laughing) I was on a subway once and there’s two groups
of teenagers got on and they were engaged and it’s like really
heated back and forth and it was like a lot of people, it’s really crowded and
everybody was scared that it’s going to get physical but no one was more
scared than me, ’cause I look like
one of these kids. I’m in my 30s, this is my face. I’m a book bag away
from someone going, “Hey, it’s that bitch from
Emerson Middle, get her” (laughing) These kids are wild. They’ve seen too much. But I’m not telling these
stories to my immigrant family, I’m just making things up,
stealing other people’s story, “Oh! We saw “The
Nanny” in Time Square!” and I have only seen one
episode of that show. (laughing) My ex-boyfriend, it
was his favorite show. He’s white but you knew that when I said “The Nanny”
was his favorite show. (laughing) Also want any other people
of color in the room to know that I started that
relationship in the Obama Era, I will never to
that now, come on. Two Muslim bans, get
the fuck away from me. (laughing) No thank you. It was a different time, it was post, post,
post, post racial Try out a white man, try
out hot yoga, it was crazy. We’ve all learned,
we’ve learned a lot. (laughing) Towards the end, Black
Panther came out, I felt like “This is a lot pressure to me” It felt like a
sign, when we went, I went with two of my other
friends that are black and him and in the end I was doing
that Social Media thing and taking the picture, you
know with the ‘Wakanda Pose’ in front of the movie
poster and I was like Oh God, what would
he do? (mumbling) please don’t do
it And he was like (laughing) He’s a good person, I
still crop the shit out of that picture but, I send
him one, just for you, no one else, no one else. Now my boyfriend is
black, we love each other, we love Martin,
seasonings, Meryl Streep. It’s very black. (laughing) But I’m Rwandan, I moved here
in late 80s with my family but my mom moved here and she
was already in her late 20s, early 30s. She’s been through a
lot racism, xenophobia, she was pregnant with my
siblings when we came, but she’s endured all that
which is so much strength and grace but she
raised me in the west and weekly I’ll call
her and I’m like Mom, I wake up sad this
morning and I don’t know why? (moaning) It’s gross. How dare I? But, she’s so supportive,
she’s a great mom, a devoted catholic,
she’s always like “Oh no! Have you prayed?” (laughing) I’m always like “I’m
agnostic so maybe” (laughing) She fucking hates that joke. (laughing) But you know who does love it? God. (laughing) And I know that cause
I’m not dead yet. I don’t swear by the bible
for the pilgrims out there, but if God doesn’t like
you, you fucking know. Old Testament, is that
cotton and wool, you’re dead. That’s how it goes. But I went to a psychiatrist
and for those who feel like “I’m happy, what’s that?” It’s like shut the fuck up. No you go to a person, you tell them all
the deep dark secrets you can’t tell your friends,
they throw pills at you and some days you feel alright. It’s pretty tight, would
recommend, if you can get there, Out of your bed, out the house. But first question he
asked me, pretty early, he was like “Do you have
a boyfriend, girlfriend, in a relationship?”
I was like “Yeah!” And he’s like “Do you
love him?” (chuckling) what did he say, I’ma
say it first (laughing) He didn’t think
that was amusing. So (murmur) I’ll take him back. He’s like “That’s a little
inappropriate given the setting” And I was like “But doctor,
all the worlds will (murmur), Okay inappropriate, Yep” And he was like
“Do you do drugs?” and I was like (laughing) “It’s inappropriate
I’m getting this.” Yep, yep, yep, yep, I
paid a lot of money. Towards the end though,
he got really serious. We were having a good
time and then he was like “Do You suffer from
suicidal thoughts?” and I was like
“Yeah like honestly, that’s a big part of why I came. I have those thoughts but
whenever I think about what It would do to
my friends and family, it makes it something that’s
impossible to go through with.” And this man looked at me and
then looked at his note pad and he was like (chuckling)
“Not if you’re determined.” (laughing) What? (laughing) “Now I’m going to kill
myself so fucking bad!” I was in Queens recently
cause I do like to travel and it’a great. I was standing in front
of this restaurant and I was waiting for my
friend and someone was like “Excuse me momma.
Sorry to interrupt you, but can I take a picture of you? It’s just I like,
I love your hair and I want to show my
hairdresser exactly what I want my hair look like.” Which was like really nice but kind a weird because
she was a white woman. Very straight hair. And I was like “Aaaahh” (laughing) Are you racist? (laughing) Or am I racist? Who’s racist? But I took the picture. (laughing) (mumbling) I tried, I really did try. But then later when I
told my friend that story She was like “No,
that’s a porn thing, that’s a known porn thing. They’re going to Photoshop your
image into some weird porn” and I was like “Wooow!” (laughing) How bad is the porn
industry doing. Like really? What porn entrepreneur was like “Get (murmur) to Queens. We found a tiny black
woman, bad posture, hair like Sideshow
Bob. (mumbling) Yuck! I just feel like if
anyone knows me they know any realistic depiction of me in a pornographic film
it’s just like (coughing) (thudding) (laughing) The microphone was a dick,
did you get that ‘ACDC’? Did you get that? I developed a drinking problem
moving to Chicago, surprise. (laughing) I remember before
I moved to Chicago, I feel like I was like a very
much more a social drinker and then when I got to Chicago, I became the type of
person who wakes up to Facebook notifications
that I’ve have been tagged, in pictures I don’t
remember taking with people I don’t
remember meeting. I’m not even
longing on Facebook. What the fuck is happening? But I think it’s just
’cause when I drink, I’m very impulsive. I’m very gregarious. I
took the SAT, shut up. (laughing) Example of that, I was hanging
out, one of my friends, we were celebrating her
recent promotion to FBI Agent, I was like “Wow, Get it girl.” Like “You past the shit out of
that drug test girl, get it!” (laughing) I don’t want to snitch
on her, but it was a lot and we are all celebrating
this little (mwah) miracle and she tells us that
she gets to carry her gun with her everywhere she goes. (laughing) so armed with that knowledge
an hour later this (murmur) bumps me, steps on
my shoe, I was like “excuse me, you
stepped on my shoe.” He’s like “calm down sweetheart” I was like “sweetheart,
Michelle shoot this bitch!” (laughing) We work for the F.B.I (laughing) Surprise you just became
an enemy combatant. She stopped talking
to me after that but. (laughing) worth it I have comedy
and she has so much money. (laughing)

100 comments

  1. She's all over the place. Timing is WAY off as well as execution. She also talks WAY too fast making it very hard to catch what she is trying to convey. Slow down, work on timing and delivery and it could all pull together. All that aside, she's just as cute as a bug. Good luck sweetie.

  2. Thought she was funny but her laughing after her own jokes seemed to be a nervous laugh and it distracted me from her jokes.

  3. I couldn't understand some of her punchlines. She had the nerve to talk faster, as if she wasn't doing that already.

  4. It's great everyone knows how comedy should be done without ever doing it. Fast and scattered she may be, but hey, there's another joke coming any second. And it seems authentic to me, i can relate to the digressive, easily sidetracked state of mind.

  5. I love how we got so many professional comics in the comment section here giving sis advice like shes not funny af 😆 like i almost died at the agnostic part cuz i am too with a deacon for a dad.

  6. I was cringing from the YouTube snap but I still came to see the rest because of that "hey it's the bitch from emerson middle" joke..she's witty and pretty.so I'm entertained.

  7. Sonia reminds me of Ilana glazer and aparna nancherla. Which means that I will scour the internet for everything she has ever done and follow her career thoroughlyyyyyyyyyyyyy!

  8. If she ever stopped moving, she could get 10 inches for life. 6ut she slaps diccs and I dont know any dude that would like that.

  9. She isnt funny at all. Shes that black kid that was raised around all white people , that the white people think is so edgy and urban when in reality she can only just barely use an inner city accent. 🗑

  10. shes intelligent and has good setups but just misses a few punchlines, if she built up some confidence she would be even greater than she already is

  11. Teenagers on the subway are the worst. I saw a teen girl sneeze onto a grown man, and not even apologize. He didn’t say a thing.

  12. I'm SUPER DUPER MEGA SURE she's on drugs. And not the soft ones (weed, shrooms) more like Crystal Meth, Cocaine, or Crack. Her energy levels are too high even for a full on panic attack.

  13. Half way through I lost patience with her style. She sounds terrified, like if she keeps the jokes coming she wont notice whether they landed or not.

  14. Her awkwardness is not cute nor is it part of her act. The way she’s moving is a product of nervousness & development. This is clearly a series dedicated to lesser known and less experienced comedians. Stop romanticizing their lack of experience and projecting your insecurities on them. This is why few millennials are funny. Weird People are obsessed with finding commonality in their awkward behavior instead of what they’re saying. These are the same people that’ll be crying “cancel her” when she becomes sharp and she’s no longer “cute”

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