-I was running a bit behind
today, so I thought, if you guys wouldn’t mind,
I’d just like to write out my weekly Thank You Notes
right now. Is that cool with you guys?
[ Cheers and applause ] Thank you. James, can I get some Thank You
Note-writing music, please? ♪♪ [ Laughter ] ♪♪ Ah. Such a good mood
all the time. -Yeah. ♪♪ What? ♪♪ -Thank you, CDC telling people
not to touch their face, for being a great way
to get millions of Americans to want to touch their face. It’s like…
“Wait. What?” -Nyah! ♪♪ -Thank you, self-quarantining
if you feel flu-like symptoms, or, as that’s also known,
Netflix and chills. -Ahh. Come on. Come on. ♪♪ -Thank you,
Democratic candidate field, for having more drop-outs
this week than a 7:00 a.m. spin class the morning after
St. Patrick’s Day. [ Laughter ] [Irish accent] “I don’t think I
can make the class, my friend.” -[Irish accent]
“I’m a bit busy.” -“Yes.”
-Thank you, New York City, for cleaning the subway
with bleach every three days… or, as murderers put it,
“Thanks for the heads up.” [ Laughter ] [ Cheers and applause ] [ Imitating suctioning ] ♪♪ -[ Laughing evilly ] ♪♪ -Just wanna say hi. -Achoo! -I didn’t know you were
gonna do “Schwinn!” [ Laughs ] Going to that acting class
is really paying off. [ Laughter ] ♪♪ Thank you, New York’s ban
on plastic bags. Well, well, well, I guess
saving 900 plastic bags under my kitchen sink for
ten years finally paid off! ♪♪ Schwinn! [ Applause ] ♪♪ -Thank you, nail clippers, for allowing me to cut my nails
and cut a bitch. -Ooh! [ Laughter ] [ Cheers and applause ] ♪♪ -Schwinn!
-Schwinn! ♪♪ -Thank you, daylight saving being the time
we spring forward, for being the most positive way
of saying “screwed out of
another hour of sleep.” There you go, everybody.
Those are my Thank You Notes.