The Best And Worst Of The NYT Democratic Questionnaire

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OF COURSE, TRUMP’S GOT PLENTY OF
COMPETITION TO BE HIS COMPETITION, AND I’LL GIVE YOU
THE LATEST FROM THE DEMOCRATIC PRIMARY IN TONIGHT’S “DOIN’ IT
DONKEY STYLE”! ( APPLAUSE )
THIS WEEK, “THE NEW YORK TIMES” INTERVIEWED A HUGE GROUP OF
CANDIDATES, ASKING THEM ALL THE SAME 18 QUESTIONS. CHECK OUT THE GRAPHICS. THAT’S A LOT OF MOUTHS. IT’S ALSO THE OPENING CREDITS
FOR “THE BRADY BUNCH: OOPS ALL PARENTS.” JOE BIDEN DIDN’T SIT FOR THIS,
BUT WE DID LEARN A LOT ABOUT EVERYONE ELSE. AND SEEING THEM ALL TOGETHER
RAISED SOME NEW QUESTIONS FOR ME, LIKE, “WHO THE HELL ARE YOU? SERIOUSLY, WHAT IS YOUR NAME? AND I’M GONNA SAY… DAN? OR SEAN? COME ON! THESE TWO ARE EXACTLY THE SAME
GUY! THE “TIMES” ASKED THE CANDIDATES
SOME LIGHTER QUESTIONS.>>WHAT’S YOUR COMFORT FOOD ON
THE CAMPAIGN TRAIL?>>WHEN YOU’RE A VEGAN, THAT
MEANS LOTS OF VEGGIES ON THE GO.>>COFFEE. MY FAVORITE COFFEE IS A MOCHA.>>MINTS.>>KIND BARS.>>I DON’T HAVE A COMFORT FOOD. I HAVE A COMFORT DRINK, WHICH IS
ICED TEA.>>Stephen: OH, THEY ARE DOOMED. MINTS?! ICED TEA? COME ON. YOU’RE IN AMERICA! JUST SAY BURGERS! OR PIZZA! OR NACHOS! OR FRENCH FRIES! OR JUST CHUGGING ALFREDO SAUCE
STRAIGHT FROM THE JAR! COMFORT FOOD! ( APPLAUSE )
POP OPEN A CAN OF HERSHEY’S. CHOCOLATE JIMMIES. JUST GO TO TOWN ON YOURSELF WITH
A SPOON. COMFORT FOOD IS WHAT YOU EAT
BECAUSE YOU RAN OUT OF XANAX. BUT ONE CANDIDATE HAD THE RIGHT
TAKE ON COMFORT FOODS.>>GLASS OF WHISKEY AT THE END
OF THE NIGHT?! THANK YOU, SENATOR! THANK YOU, SENATOR GILLIBRAND,
THANK YOU FOR FINALLY RECOGNIZING WHISKEY AS A FOOD. IT IS MADE OF CORN AND IT IS MY
ONLY SOURCE OF FIBER. THE CANDIDATES WERE ALSO ASKED
HOW THEY’D HANDLE THE CRISIS OF CLIMATE CHANGE, AND THE
BOLDEST PLAN CAME FROM CONGRESSMAN ERIC SWALWELL.>>FIRST AND FOREMOST, I WOULD
HOST, IN THE UNITED STATES, A CLIMATE SUMMIT.>>THERE’S THE FIGHTING SPIRIT! (AS SWALWELL)
“THIS COULD END CIVILIZATION AS WE KNOW IT, SO I’VE RENTED SOME
CONFERENCE ROOMS AND ORDERED SOME ICED TEA AND MINTS.” ( LAUGHTER )
THE “TIMES” ALSO ASKED THESE CANDIDATES, “WHO IS YOUR HERO?”
AND A LOT OF THEM PICKED THE SAME GUY.>>POLITICALLY, I WOULD GO
WITH LINCOLN.>>ABRAHAM LINCOLN.>>ABRAHAM LINCOLN.>>ABRAHAM LINCOLN.>>CERTAINLY ABRAHAM
LINCOLN.>>Stephen: KIND OF A COP-OUT. THAT’S LIKE SAYING “MY
FAVORITE BAND IS THE BEATLES, MY FAVORITE WEATHER IS SUNNY,
AND MY FAVORITE THING TO DO WITH MY LUNGS IS BREATHE.” ( LAUGHTER )
BUT A FEW OF THE CANDIDATES CHOSE A HERO A LITTLE CLOSER TO
HOME.>>UH… MY WIFE
>>MY WIFE.>>MY WIFE RIGHT NOW.>>IN MANY WAYS, MY WIFE.>>WOW– I MEAN, RIGHT NOW
IT’S, LIKE, BAKER MAYFIELD, THE QUARTERBACK OF THE CLEVELAND
BROWNS. ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) ( APPLAUSE )
DID HE SAY BAKER MAYFIELD, THE QUARTERBACK OF THE CLEVELAND
BROWNS? TIM RYAN, THE ONLY WAY IT COULD
HAVE BEEN WORSE IS IF HE HAD SAID– I DON’T KNOW, THE LAST
GUY’S WIFE. SHE SEEMS GOOD.” TIM RYAN DID BRING UP HIS WIFE
WHEN ASKED WHERE HE WOULD GO ON HIS FIRST TRIP AS
PRESIDENT.>>EUROPE. I WOULD GO TO EUROPE. IN FACT, I ALREADY TEASED MY
WIFE THAT WITHIN THE FIRST FEW WEEKS OF GETTING SWORN IN, WE’RE
GOING TO HAVE TO GO TO EUROPE AND REALLY REBUILD OUR ALLIANCES
IN NATO.>>Stephen: WHY WOULD YOU TEASE
YOUR WIFE LIKE THAT, TIM RYAN? ( LAUGHTER )
WE ALL KNOW YOU’RE ACTUALLY GOING TO TAKE BAKER MAYFIELD. ( LAUGHTER )
>>Jon: OH, WOW!>>Stephen: THE CANDIDATES
WERE ALSO ASKED ABOUT THEIR NIGHTTIME ROUTINE.>>HOW MANY HOURS OF SLEEP DO
YOU GET A NIGHT?>>NOT ENOUGH.>>NOT ENOUGH.>>JUST ENOUGH TIME TO BE ABLE
TO HAVE DREAMS AT NIGHTTIME AND VISION STATEMENTS DURING THE
DAYTIME.>>Stephen: WHAT DOES THAT EVEN
MEAN? “I’VE GOT DAYDREAMS AT
NIGHTTIME, NIGHT DREAMS AT DAYTIME, AND WHEN PIZZA’S ON A
BAGEL, YOU CAN HAVE PIZZA ANYTIME.” ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
♪ ♪ ♪ TRUE STORY.>>Jon: YEAH, IT’S NICE.>>Stephen: STEVE BUT A BIG
GROUP OF THESE CANDIDATES IS STILL POLLING AHEAD OF DONALD
TRUMP. HE’S CURRENTLY LOSING TO
JOE BIDEN, BERNIE SANDERS, ELIZABETH WARREN, KAMALA HARRIS,
AND PETE BUTTIGIEG.” OR AS TRUMP CALLS THEM:
(AS TRUMP) “SLEEPY, CRAZY, POCAHONT-Y,
PROSECUTE-Y, AND THE GUY WHOSE NAME STARTS WITH ‘BUTT.'”
WITH AN ADVANTAGE THAT LARGE, THERE’S NO WAY THE DEMOCRATS CAN
SCREW THIS UP… IS SOMETHING ONLY PEOPLE BORN
AFTER 2016 WOULD SAY, BECAUSE LAST WEEKEND, WE GOT A WARNING
SIGN WHEN THE DEMOCRATIC PARTY TRIED A LITTLE TOO HARD TO
APPEAL TO THE YOUTHS WITH THIS TWEET REFERENCING A THREE-YEAR
OLD BEYONCE SONG: “THIS IS A WHOLE MOOD. TEXT ‘BOY BYE’ TO GET THIS
EXCLUSIVE WALLPAPER.” THAT, OF COURSE, WAS THE WORK OF
THE DEMOCRATS’ HEAD MILLENNIAL OUTREACH, MORRIS. ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) COME ON! COME ON, DEMOCRATS. THE FUTURE OF OUR COUNTRY IS AT
STAKE! DON’T BLOW IT TRYING TO BE HIP! THIS IS LIKE IF PAUL REVERE
STOPPED MIDRIDE TO TWEET, “ISN’T MY HORSE LOW KEY THICC
THO?” WE’VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU
TONIGHT. NAOMI WATTS IS HERE! BUT WHEN WE COME BACK:
MEANWHILE!

99 comments

  1. Please eliminate most of these POTUS wannabes. We all know it's coming down to Harris, Biden, Warren, Sanders, Booker, and Buttigieg.
    Stop wasting airtime with these hopeless candidates.
    Another example of why the 1% doesn't work for us.

  2. My democratic party has always been guilty of saying what they think people want to hear vs what they really believe.

  3. As much as I dislike DJT, but people like Pelosi render the Democratic party a poor choice. The upcoming election will be something like having the choice between cancer or cholera. The title of the video can as well be "Doing it dorky style".

  4. If America loves entertainment, and Colbert is obviously brilliant and well educated, just get him to lead a party. I'd stop hating you guys tomorrow if you did that. I don't think you can fix the celebrity-as-president think overnight, but this could fix the next election. Fight celebrity idiot with celebrity genius, no?

  5. Please do “The Hungry for Power Games” when candidates start getting eliminated. Those segments were hilarious. 🤣

  6. What a bunch of dull dummies. I think I'll wait out 2020 and vote for AOC when she is of legal age to stand. In fact to end these highly non descriptor and conservative repugnicans in democrap's clothing I may even vote Dump and Penis…err Penice…err never mind.

  7. Pizza in the morning,
    pizza in the evening,
    pizza at suppertime.
    When pizza's on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime.

  8. The panty whipped answer "My wife" just made me throw up a little in my mouth. I would hope none of them got laid that night for such a brainless answer. It's like competing for who's the very best Christian of the Gawwwwd fearing bunch. We the blessed capitalists supporting our troops.

  9. Screw ur animal that had problem with elephant. No wonder had to put them together. You know this thing called 'peace'. I meant peace.

  10. My friends who care about football seem to think Baker Mayfield is da whip. I just remember my dad all thru the 60s saying "I better watch the Browns game and get my weekly dose of disappointment".

  11. He's right! Their comfort food answers were absolutely terrible. In fact, most of their reactions sucked. How are they so out of touch? Have they never talked to a normal person before? Seriously, what is going on here?

  12. Hey Colbert staff, stop being the bitch of your corporate masters and get with the revolution. You are shaming the memory of Jon Stewart. Nothing is sadder than someone who became famous shilling away for corporate schmucks. Also your band members consistently look miserable… wonder why.

  13. I have a question, I am not from the US how does the primary election work? I assume everyone could vote, but then why doesn't Republicans just vote for the worst democratic candidate so that Trump has an easier run? Sorry if it's a stupid question.

  14. Like really Colbert staff, are you allergic to the face of Bernie Sanders or do you just work for Third Way?

  15. I'm afraid our country is screwed one way or the other at this point. Trump (The King of Turds) has push us over a cliff.

  16. I am unsubscribing from The Late Show w/ Stephen Colbert (even though I find him funny and agree (liberal) with the shows STRONG political stance) because how unfair Youtube pushes corporate content that I can see on TV and destroying user created content that falls with in the guidelines of youtube. Corporate content pushes the lines more and nothing happens to them.

  17. People still don't realize that Abraham Lincoln wasn't an abolitionist, the Emancipation Proclamation was a political/military maneuver, 4 states didn't free their slaves after the bill became law. Black soldiers helped win the civil war. Lincoln didn't see black folks as equal at all; he took advantage of them. And people treat him like a damn hero.
    They don’t tell you these parts.
    Oh, and on December 26, 1862, thirty-eight Dakota Indians were hanged in Mankato, Minnesota, in the largest mass execution in US history–on orders of President Abraham Lincoln.

    Spoiler alert. He was assassinated.

  18. These are my questions;
    Military industrial commercial and banking complex is it a thing and is it a threat to freedom in the USA?
    Recreational marijuana yes or no?
    Plan for the south of the border situation?
    Israel aid yes or no?

  19. Heroes?Adams,Jefferson, Beethoven, Michaelangelo, William Blake, Coleridge, Rilke, Einstein, the soldiers of Normandy, Guadalcanal, …etc…

  20. we need some substance for the future not a bunch of silver spoon vanilla white middle of the road wankers. America needs better than this folks. Democrats you embarrass me. The orange turd needs to go and this is the best you have???????? Hey we are tired of senile old white guys and Biden is the front runner. This is America we are talking about not some fucking nursing home.

  21. This was hilarious ~ especially Colbert's expressions. On the subject of narrowing the field, I can see one problem already and that is Bernie. It's worrisome~! Just today (6/26/19) When asked if "you are trailing far behind will you drop out before the Convention?" he replied by criticizing "2016 rigged Primary". He refused to answer implying he would not step down. However Bernie might have "thought" it was rigged, HE SIGNED UP FOR THAT EXACT PROCESS by filing as "a Democrat". The "Super-delegate" system had already been in place for MANY years (not sure whether they now discarded it). He "used" the DNC as he is not a Democrat but wanted their campaign dollars. So, neither then or now, do I feel sorry for him. And now, he is going to use last election's blunders to do what? Prove what? How stubborn he is? I do not like stubborn people. Nothing can change w them as a leader. He would be like Trump – my way or the highway. No doors would open. Down w Bernie. And we all, whether people like him or not need to tell him to step down as he begins to trail. I swear I think he acts as he does and wears his goofy hairdo cause he wants to infer an image of Einstein. Bernie is no Einstein. And the matter of his wife Jane pulling off the stunts she did w donor money at the University is not settled.

  22. So the democrats favorite president is Lincon ( Republican) yet they forgot about their hero FDR (Democrat).

    Dafaq?!

  23. For the love of Satan our dark lord!!! Stop saying "millennials", when you mean "young people". Millennials are not young anymore. A millennial is a person who reached adulthood around the year 2000. The average millennial is around 35 years old!

  24. Ok, the positive on the number of candidates is the diversity of ideas and that so many people want to be involved.

  25. Seriously??? We couldnt get one intelligent or charismatic or down to earth or relatable candidate?? I swear even though conservatives are unrepentant liars, totally unlikable, towering misogynists, unashamedly working for the rich, hate mongering fanatics without a shred of human decency the dems STILL cant find an actual genuine person with a clue what its like to be a middle class person. Ugh, i miss obama.

  26. "Within the first few weeks I'd go to Europe"

    Dude, you're not getting elected. Why are you even here?

  27. Why are these people running? It's ridiculous.

    Good God, though I hope Trump loses, mostly because I want home to feel insulted.

  28. Can't watch when he does this bit.its really a stretch for him desperately trying to be funny. What happened to his writers? oh yeah, probably with the daily show and Trevor.

  29. Trump is disgusting but I fear he is going to get reelected because Dems are going too far left. It's all about race, gender, and sexual orientation now. Don't get me wrong, they are important issues but they are not the priority issues!! What;s the next priority of the dems? Um….legalizing pot??? Wow, seriously, that is a priority? Getting high is a priority? SMH… Dems just don't get it.

  30. Not that I'm happy about it but Trump is only losing against Biden and Sanders in the numbers you showed. All of the rest are in the range of +- 3% margin that the graphic explains in the lower part.

  31. Democrats … have no spine always playing it save… 70% should resign … give the good 30%the chance to make the change … or its 4 years of Trump again

  32. These are the people who are supposed to make the voters sit up and rally behind them? Your country needs to do better. Harris seems interesting though…

  33. Is artificial intelligence, at least controlling the executive, REALLY that scary? We can still have a backup shadow government run by humans… that will atrophy over time until we are helpless to prevent our mechanical overlords from exterminating us.

  34. YOU YOUNG PEOPLE , NEED TO SELECT A STRONG YOUNG CADEDIATE ,!!!!!!! . THAT CAN HANDLE THE JOB .!!!!!!! .WITH ( REAL QUALIFICATIONS ) .!!!!!!!!! .HAVE U FORGOTTEN THE CLOWN 🤡 IN THE W.H NOW .? .IN HIS 70s .!!!!!!! .😎🇺🇸😎🤣😂🤣

  35. Stephen Colbert name appears on PEDOPHILE Epstein plane logs WHY !! Trump 2020 🇺🇸🇺🇸🇺🇸🇺🇸🇺🇸🇺🇸🇺🇸🇺🇸🇺🇸🇺🇸🇺🇸🇺🇸🇺🇸🇺🇸🇺🇸🇺🇸🇺🇸🇺🇸

  36. I love Colbert, but suggesting the Democratic candidates should have said their comfort food was burgers or pizza when that’s one of the things he constantly rips Trump for? Hmmm. 🤔

  37. Keep pushing Biden and we will be fucked again like they fucked us last time. Sanders, Warren, yes. Biden, NO.

  38. It gets really hard and confusing. You have to give them credit. To sit in a room and decide who is the most oppressed is a hard thing to do. Then deciding who to oppress to pay for the oppressed is hard to. If they take all the rich peoples they will survive for a year. So the real question is which group of people is going to be enslaved to save the rest of us from being oppressed.

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