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Twas the night before christmas and all through the apartment not a creature was stirring ’cause we hadn’t paid our rent In fact we were squatting which is kind of stress
can Saint Nick even find an illegal address? the children was nestled like rats in the sideboard while my wife, Ethel Ann kept watch for the landlord my youngest says sugarplumbs dance in her head I’m thinkin’ bi-polar based on what I’ve read now i’ve had six large coffees I’m totally wired but my wife, she turns in, sayin’, “My God, I’m tired! “We ain’t got no presents
We ain’t got no tree, “We wouldn’t have snowflakes
Except they come free!” “Look on the bright side,” I said, “We ain’t dead!” She says, “Thanks for nothin’!” And goes off to bed. When out on the fire escape I hear noise and i think, “It’s those damn neighborhood boys!” They make lousy burglars
Judging by how One laughs like a psycho,
They clomp like a cow!” The moon shining down On the fire escape Show me somethin’, I tell you,
That just makes me gape! A big yellow cab with eight reindeer inside, And a little old driver Dressed like gay pride “Now Dasher! Now Dancer! “Will you two shut UP?! “And Prancer, I know what
You got in that cup!” “Don’t let Rudolph drink,
His nose gets too red. “Vixen, get dressed or
You’ll wish you was dead!” the rest a you’s, listen,
And don’t make me shout it, straighten up or for Christmas,
Forgeddaboutit! And so saying this The Cab pulls up inside And the small guy, he says,
“You stretch, like my ride?” And I say, “Quite an entrance Like.. Bernie Madoff Yer just lucky that I didn’t
Blow yer head off.” His eyes, how they twinkled — He might’a been stoned but his weight, let’s just say
The guy was big-boned. There was cheer in his dimples
And red in his cheek A cute little dude –For a dwarf And a freak. When he opens his pack
I reach for my Glock,
clock But instead he slips presents
Inside my old sock. and I’m like, “Well that’s nice.” And I smile at him — Nevermind I’d just worn
That old sock to the gym. The little guys says, “Guido, You’re broke Why don’tcha go out
And pimp, or sell coke? “I mean what kinda man Just dithers away When your family should have This great big holiday?” And I say to him, “HEY!” “Little man, look who’s talkin’! Are you on your knees or
Is that you just walkin’? “You’re short & you’re fat
And you hang out with deer! You should tell me
Who’s the big loser here! So don’t come at me
With all your advice, Cause I got a family
And I got a wife! And we ain’t got squat
— Although we are squatting…” And while I am shouting,
I notice he’s nodding. I say, “I don’t want gold,
Or Ferrari’s or beer, For all of the riches
That I got right here. “When I wake up tomorrow, See my kids & their mother We’ll have all the gifts that we need In each other. “And there ain’t no money That we rate above What we give to each other each day Which is love.” And then I stop shouting And I’m startin’ to think “By the way, little dude,
You need food Or some drink?” “No worries,” he tells me,
“I’m good to go. I just stopped in to see you’s And wanted to know If, with all the stress, Even if it continues Whether the spirit of Christmas
Was in you’s.” Then he jumps in his cab
And he nods to his deer And they drive out the window And just disappear. So come the next morning
I think, “What a dream! “I must’a ate somethin’,”
– Till I hear my kids scream. When I see what’s happened
It’s such a surprise That me, I just smile And my wife, she cries. There’s presents and holly And a big fancy tree!
And my children are gulping down breakfast
With glee!
competent and practice with greedy My wife says, “Yo Guido!
What’d you do?” And I say, “I dunnow, But I know I love you.” So, when I gets stressed, Or can’t think,
Or just fidget I think back to that night And that little gay midget. When you have love Then your Christmas is right You’re rich beyond measure. Yo, Brooklyn, goodnight. music Blessings.


  1. Ey! Guido! Awright, OK? Is good. I admit it.
    Say Merry Christmas and all to ya muddah for me.
    (I liked that play thing, too. I read it, ya know. Whole damned thing. You got it right, kid.)
    And Happy NY to botha youse.
    Sam's friend Becca

  2. still dynamite after all these years. nice to see you act again. the last time I saw you perform was arsenic and old lace at baseline jr. high….

  3. I'm so glad it's Christmas season again, so I can share this on my Facebook page again. It's the very very best Christmas poem ever – and delivered so brilliantly!

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